more than a year can change so much

This last year has indeed been a troublesome doosie. My heart couldn't bare at this point to cross the months to recount it all. I finally have unloaded all the hate in my heart and left it somewhere I can never return to pick it back up. After the hate was washed out of my heart all that was left was a dull but constant aching pain, Im beginning to wonder if the hate was only a cheap veil to conceal the pain all along. It's not that my trust has been shattered only by a love one. It's that i have broken my trust with my self. I no longer feel confident in my own mind and heart to be scouts for the platoon of my senses. Truly I have emptied myself out and gave the last drop. How many broken hearts including mine have i left in its wake? It seems like Falluja after the Marines paid it a visit. I have decided not to numb my pain with drink or smoke. Although i do want to. There is no philosophy or comedy that can lift this morose curtain of fault. its not so much a self loathing, but it's not wholly unlike self loathing. All I have left is my heart, smashed drained and spun till dizzied. I cant even stand to hear the shallow squeaking of supposedly beautiful people on tv making lewd sex jokes. Sexism in all its forms presents an assault only seconded by the tide of snarkie quips and supposed whittisms meant to lower the value of others to whom one deems themselves superior. Praying to god makes me depressed. I truly couldn't even figure out which direction to turn to find a light where with I could be guided by... This is some kind of shallow depressed rambling. what do they want from me? what more can I give? I aim to seek solitude, but that's not what I want. I want pure honest and respect worthy friends. But how alone i have made myself. Sending to messages to people i cant trust. Being lied to by the system, or rather the individuals that make up its whole. Again and again. I wish i was on my skate board ripping down a hilly yet freshly black topped pavement in a rolling hill country. I wish i had paid my heart and intuition enough heed to be with a loving partner or friend. My burning of bridges has left me stranded in a desert of desolation, longing for a lingering drop of life or love. Fantasy is no longer enough to fill the void. Sex has lost its appeal. The distractions no longer hold my gaze. My self deceptions are now so easy to spot that I have quit trying. Only the falling tears hold any substance worth regarding. This post lacks substance. To be honest I have been excavating all my oldest and deepest wounds and roots of my current delema. My lack of the ability to trust anyone, its nearly a projection of myself. surely im miss precieving the world. Would I trade truth from the comfort of delusion? Has the con finally got me? Have i lost my soul? Or has the underground river of graceful luck become so deep or my tap root so small. Running away is no longer an option, The frost giants are on their way. Old Queen silence and solitude is coming for that which is due. For a small sip of her cold clear well water. she has come for that which is hers. It always was hers. She is the deceitful yet delightful queen of ice. So alluring with her blinding white purity, and prismatic sparkles. I was lured out on to her mirror like lake of promise, promised to be shown a truer reflection only to have it all give way and give from the weight of my assumptive eager expectations.. they are to heavy upon me now as i sink below... i feel the icy fingers that once caressed my burning heart with promises of cooling it before it melted its way through its thin casing.. not the no longer caress, now they squeeze, lungs, heart, and soul. perhaps i can given another infinity of endless time will my matter to take another form that matters and learn from my mistakes. for now its too late.