something old something new

all this time chasing shadows of what i thought was was who i really was... i had run so far away from it for ten years that i though going back to who i was when i was 17 would be the fastest way to get back to what i really wanted to be. Hmm no onder i find myself with similar thoughts, the same thought i had when i decided it was time to grow up. I have forsaken the old gods and the gods of the new age only to return to Ha Shem, the G-d of my people. I have put down the alcohol and the drugs and wonder of wonders my mind has cleared... suprise suprise. I have met someone so astoundingly sweet and smart and loyal that i cant imagine doing anything but being my self and honest at to lend this soul strength on their journey. I still refuse to work for the government, but thats ok. I have been taking care of my grandfather for a few months till he died of cancer. Now i just sit and watch the clowds pass by during the day and watch the stars pass by at night. keeping my ears open for the distant call of the cyotees. and the quail. and if i get lucky a wild hog... i have killed 9 of them so far, we all have to do our part.

after you have been hurt so bad in the past it is hard and scarry to open your heart and honestly confront the world around you. or at least i find it to be that way. my love is 1000 miles away doing what my love must to feel obidient to my loves calling. and i face jelosy and doubts, but the more i patiently face those feelings feelings of trust and peace and understanding grow in along side them, gentally shadeing them from the sun of fear.

I also am gardening in a non metaphorical way. the frost hit me hard a couple times but things are picking up now. i have fresh greens any time i want them, but as they get larger they get bitter, so i maybe have to cook them longer? soon they will be producing sweet turnips, i dont really know what to do with 100 turnips, sell them right under the nose of the fda i suppose, eat the rest, let my lover can them, oh well, things are alot calmer now that i have been off the road for 5-6 months. not much else to say, even though i have out grown the anger and hatred of prievous post i wont delete them, i will just continue to be myself and see where that takes me. thanks to everyone i met along the way and all their kind words, thanks to sarah handyside for all her harshness, but she is a rare soul in these times and i see her value. i will be carrying on in the way that seems best if G-d wills i tarry ;) and maybe i will even post again.