more than a year can change so much

This last year has indeed been a troublesome doosie. My heart couldn't bare at this point to cross the months to recount it all. I finally have unloaded all the hate in my heart and left it somewhere I can never return to pick it back up. After the hate was washed out of my heart all that was left was a dull but constant aching pain, Im beginning to wonder if the hate was only a cheap veil to conceal the pain all along. It's not that my trust has been shattered only by a love one. It's that i have broken my trust with my self. I no longer feel confident in my own mind and heart to be scouts for the platoon of my senses. Truly I have emptied myself out and gave the last drop. How many broken hearts including mine have i left in its wake? It seems like Falluja after the Marines paid it a visit. I have decided not to numb my pain with drink or smoke. Although i do want to. There is no philosophy or comedy that can lift this morose curtain of fault. its not so much a self loathing, but it's not wholly unlike self loathing. All I have left is my heart, smashed drained and spun till dizzied. I cant even stand to hear the shallow squeaking of supposedly beautiful people on tv making lewd sex jokes. Sexism in all its forms presents an assault only seconded by the tide of snarkie quips and supposed whittisms meant to lower the value of others to whom one deems themselves superior. Praying to god makes me depressed. I truly couldn't even figure out which direction to turn to find a light where with I could be guided by... This is some kind of shallow depressed rambling. what do they want from me? what more can I give? I aim to seek solitude, but that's not what I want. I want pure honest and respect worthy friends. But how alone i have made myself. Sending to messages to people i cant trust. Being lied to by the system, or rather the individuals that make up its whole. Again and again. I wish i was on my skate board ripping down a hilly yet freshly black topped pavement in a rolling hill country. I wish i had paid my heart and intuition enough heed to be with a loving partner or friend. My burning of bridges has left me stranded in a desert of desolation, longing for a lingering drop of life or love. Fantasy is no longer enough to fill the void. Sex has lost its appeal. The distractions no longer hold my gaze. My self deceptions are now so easy to spot that I have quit trying. Only the falling tears hold any substance worth regarding. This post lacks substance. To be honest I have been excavating all my oldest and deepest wounds and roots of my current delema. My lack of the ability to trust anyone, its nearly a projection of myself. surely im miss precieving the world. Would I trade truth from the comfort of delusion? Has the con finally got me? Have i lost my soul? Or has the underground river of graceful luck become so deep or my tap root so small. Running away is no longer an option, The frost giants are on their way. Old Queen silence and solitude is coming for that which is due. For a small sip of her cold clear well water. she has come for that which is hers. It always was hers. She is the deceitful yet delightful queen of ice. So alluring with her blinding white purity, and prismatic sparkles. I was lured out on to her mirror like lake of promise, promised to be shown a truer reflection only to have it all give way and give from the weight of my assumptive eager expectations.. they are to heavy upon me now as i sink below... i feel the icy fingers that once caressed my burning heart with promises of cooling it before it melted its way through its thin casing.. not the no longer caress, now they squeeze, lungs, heart, and soul. perhaps i can given another infinity of endless time will my matter to take another form that matters and learn from my mistakes. for now its too late.

something old something new

all this time chasing shadows of what i thought was was who i really was... i had run so far away from it for ten years that i though going back to who i was when i was 17 would be the fastest way to get back to what i really wanted to be. Hmm no onder i find myself with similar thoughts, the same thought i had when i decided it was time to grow up. I have forsaken the old gods and the gods of the new age only to return to Ha Shem, the G-d of my people. I have put down the alcohol and the drugs and wonder of wonders my mind has cleared... suprise suprise. I have met someone so astoundingly sweet and smart and loyal that i cant imagine doing anything but being my self and honest at to lend this soul strength on their journey. I still refuse to work for the government, but thats ok. I have been taking care of my grandfather for a few months till he died of cancer. Now i just sit and watch the clowds pass by during the day and watch the stars pass by at night. keeping my ears open for the distant call of the cyotees. and the quail. and if i get lucky a wild hog... i have killed 9 of them so far, we all have to do our part.

after you have been hurt so bad in the past it is hard and scarry to open your heart and honestly confront the world around you. or at least i find it to be that way. my love is 1000 miles away doing what my love must to feel obidient to my loves calling. and i face jelosy and doubts, but the more i patiently face those feelings feelings of trust and peace and understanding grow in along side them, gentally shadeing them from the sun of fear.

I also am gardening in a non metaphorical way. the frost hit me hard a couple times but things are picking up now. i have fresh greens any time i want them, but as they get larger they get bitter, so i maybe have to cook them longer? soon they will be producing sweet turnips, i dont really know what to do with 100 turnips, sell them right under the nose of the fda i suppose, eat the rest, let my lover can them, oh well, things are alot calmer now that i have been off the road for 5-6 months. not much else to say, even though i have out grown the anger and hatred of prievous post i wont delete them, i will just continue to be myself and see where that takes me. thanks to everyone i met along the way and all their kind words, thanks to sarah handyside for all her harshness, but she is a rare soul in these times and i see her value. i will be carrying on in the way that seems best if G-d wills i tarry ;) and maybe i will even post again.

"Thrill with lissome lust of the light" Aleister C.

Well the sun is slowly making its way back to a place it came from and my hibernation is almost over. I love the darkness of this time of year to reflect on things that take a little longer to reflect on than time you may be willing to give in the bisy midsummer. I also have been thinking longer in these days, Hatred or love full time is not my scene. I enjoy the release i feel from being able to ack and vocalize my angers hurts frustrations, but I dont feel that way all the time. Neither can i say that I look in the dead souless eyes full of hatered and lust that pass me in the street and intertain a false feeling of love for these loathsome creatures. At this stage in the game there is no moral lawa dangeling itself efore my eyes in attempt to lure me out of my own feelings to disolve it in to the bliss of G-d for the benifit of all creation. no. I am a natural creature, everything i do is natural, eat, talk, shit, love,hate fuck,lingualy palpate the perineum,build mcdonalds,lie about going to the moon,and destroy our selves with nuclear annialation,all naturally :)so concepts of good better bad are now understood as I like that. I dont like that. Should i be doing something else right now? maybe you think i have a responsibility to anyone but myself right now, so i should pay attention to them? listen, If i did what I though I "should" it woould be a shit samwitch, buleave that.

Any hoot. Besides the ranting i do to entertain my self and think im soo cute, i see beauty in everything, and am suprised by everything i look at. like really how did we think all this was going to end nicely? concerning the apocalyps, itsoo is last summer. I already had mine, it was lovely. hurry have yours get it overwith and we can have something to talk about while we rebuild together..
moe foe realler than that i couldent even dream of. the berfect beauty of creation is wholly equal to the sustaintion and even yet moreso if it could be imagined before it happened, the distruction creats entirely new spaces to precieve that with our currant setup is different.

well here is a nice juicy terd in the middle of your rainbow family trail brother bear.

What do you think i care about...?

I wander the roads of amerika bacause I am alive now and I can. I use all the magik i was born with to make that happen, White Beautiful, Clever.... its not my fault estemes what I was born of. How can i change anything done before me? I wouldent if i could. Intitled white people... fuck off im not going to hate my self and force guilt upon myself because you do... I chose this body... not you... destroy yours if you hate it. destroy mine if you hate it.. But jelosy may be more fitting of a jurnal.

I feel A dramatic shif in my awareness and have been given new tools for my work. these are not tools as you may assume. Do you thin i am spoiled and elite? do you really know me? your annomys comments elicit less emotion than if it had some weighty name behind it, some name that has done something. I am ELITe...not because my eyes shine like a crystal sea? is it because the red, grey, brown, blond hairs on my body reflect the rainbow in the suns light as it catches upon my laugh at the failurs of others and also how they rise. Do you base your life of a culture of being a victum? Do you feel oppressed by my cousins? unless i personally have oppressed you I care even less. I do what I can according to my desires.
Leaving you? I have never joined you, I was as free as a bird chaind by its fear and hunger when you first learned of me. and when the last puff of stale smog infused air leaves this carcas of rot and desease it will be for the better in my eyes.
as i red in a silent grove on a ridge somewhere... "What means death in this rude assualt?" Speak openly if it is understanding you seek. If only assumption the carry on with your dreams... There is a market for them all around you, maybe your hatred will help you in your assent, I doubt you can face your own darkness and return... over and over and over, But this is only based on how I also will assume you are based on what would i be if i went to someones blog and wrote as much jibberish as this.
But all of us are one, I just seem to reflect back some foul things upon myself, yea, it verily seeks me out.

Fools

Well, I have been for some time trying to decide if love and hate, either my own dream or that of the new age. And I have basically decided to forsake the new age with all its beliefs as I feel it is the next global control religion. All the people I know who are newager are fairly dogmatic and judgemental, and I travel some pretty liberal circles, ill tell you that again. And I just dont feel there is anythin to all this shit. Karma? who the fuck would willingly choose to believe in something where you get punished for unremembered lives and there is some vague set of morals judging all you do... fuck krishna, vishnu, your guru, your stupid ideas. I will carry on my heathen ways, not claiming any right wrong. But Fuck All this faschist shit going on anyway.. I will write something interesting latr I hope. We are in Ga getting our asses pampered then getting some pass port, then catch a boat off this fucking hellhole. Leave you shitbags with your obama... i know your stupid ass voted for him. You goddamned lemming, you WILL believe anything anyone tells you eh?

short and dirty

well i suppose we are planning to go to north carolina. Should be fine. see you this winter in the south

I have nothing to say

well things change, like my view. vanessa and i hitched from nashville north to new york city... may the skys rain down fire and destruction on that shitfuck. WE danced sang got fuked up, slept in the infinate rainbow house, summoned the dark rainbow of the apocalypse. We loveingly jaunted from there out of east orange in newark down the 280 north through the beautiful state of new jersey. It really is a beautiful state up there through 15. From 15 we got on the old army of the republic highway 6 to the coal devestated mts of pennsylvania. WE went to the second northern most WAFFEL HOUSE in the us! but the diddent sell DR pepper!!!! If that bitch wasnt so sweet i would have fucked shit up hard. Now we are in burlington vermont... my writing is not so good cause i need to smoke a bowl...1 min ok... better closer warmer@ shit.... This town if a faschist liberal hell hole with the sigles to prove it, in the square at a ww1 memorial stella there is an eagle loving holding the fasci in its loving claws. There is a specific brand of green guilt obfucation here as i suspect is everywhere, but think of it like this if you will, I figure that i save af few tens of thousand tons of coal by not having home and some odd multiplication of gas with the no car..and uhhh yea i got carbon credits,,, i hate a fuking hippy telling me not to litter?!?!? is it because once you put your plastic patrolium based box from your over priced organic sushi in the garbage or recycling does its dissaperance from your sight remove your guilt from being complicit in the rape of the earth ? any way ciggerett buts are paper and tobacco yea cemicals, but dont eat modern food if you dont like chemicals mathafahku... i will toss everything i own in the fukin ocean if you try to tell me not too.. you drive and dump oil in my gulf! But fuck it. im glad it happened, cause that where all you rich fucker live that ran me out of your town this past winter while all i could do was enjoy the view, glad i went to key wet before the oil cause now i know those fuckers deserve it! ohhh booo hooo i cant eat clams.. wah wha get fucked and die, the APOCKUYLIOPS IS upon you. eat simg kill mama be thyself. I magikally relase you from the elders spell, dream your own dream, cats may fight in the year of the tigre, Black up, bitch. It aint all White. Well other that the people consumer based liberal fascism, but hey as long as i can say what i want and sit on church st and not panhandle aggresivly not panhandle. smile with a sign well here is the video. and we got 1500 $ in ticketts for basiclly athat... anyway the Fucking Yanks don't like an Nbomb dropped intheir living room.y666666666666666666677666666666 OTUS I got 750$ tickett and so did vanessa for agresssivly panhandeling and sober and disorderly conduct or cunduct unbecoming of a civillian or some fuktastic shit.
Besides that we have a ride out tomorrow to boston i hope, I gotta get out of this liberal fascist hell hole. and on to bigger and better things. We did have Pizza with greg and the little bike shop of hortaculture. Loving yall, except for the hipsters... Vanessa wants to fuck the smug look off your faces, bunt not me sugar ass, i wanna taze you a few times. and steal your cool shues.